I think it is past time to admit that I am having a rough time with my depression. I have struggled with depression my entire life. The end of last year just really put a big stop sign in front of me and like an idiot, I obeyed all too well. I still have a million brilliant ideas a day (well at least I think they are brilliant). I just sort of abort them before they have a chance to flourish. The only thing I am really interested in doing right now is sleeping. I am sleeping way too much. Even the most passive forms of entertainment are losing their interest for me right now. All the signs are here, and I see them. The hardest thing in the world is to do something about it.

For years I have always hoped that self awareness was the key to overcoming a pronounced downshift in mood and life. Sadly, self realization of what is happening only adds to the acute suffering. There is a vibrant happy kernel inside of me shrinking every day, completely aware of its own mortality. I know I need to do things, I know I need to engage the world and remember how much love and joy there is around me. Somewhere between what I know I need to do, and what I do there is a disconnect. Some mechanism is stuck in a feedback loop perpetuating a murky swamp of stagnation. The best example that comes to mind is how I am just not working. I am not writing like I should, I am not working out. I make excuses for myself that I just have no muse, that I have no energy, that I need to save myself for working on myself. That is some goddamn bullshit. I am never happier than when I am exhausted mentally and physically from taking on challenges.

Maybe starting small will help? Honestly I have no clue. There has to be someway to remove the detour in my brain that is making me do the opposite of what I need to do to be fulfilled. Last time I checked, I deserved to be fulfilled. Maybe that is the core belief I am missing. I know it isn’t fun to sit and read someone else’s struggles but I can’t keep living in my mind. That is part of the problem. Engaging the world is also being vulnerable and opening yourself up wounds and all. So here it is, I am in a bad way but I am not bad.

May 2014
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